This one is intensely frightening for me to write down…and to possibly (*gulp*) share.
*takes deep breath*
Okay…here goes…even at the risk of being seen as crazy…or weird…or whatever else.
In England, when I wanted to start Weight Watchers again (I’d had such great success with it in ND…until I stumbled into old habits again), I felt God distinctly telling me, “No.”
“This is not what I want you to do. I want you to trust me. I want you to let go of your comfort foods. I want you to turn to me instead when you are sad, angry, hurt, needy. Two things need to go…I want you to give up sodas and the junk sugars. You can have them for special occasions…but not for the purpose of soothing your heart.”
I have tried to obey…and I have fallen. Repeatedly.
Today…today I am trying again. I want to obey. I want my heart to be completely His. I know that it’s for my good that He wants me to give these things up.
As I sat in Bible study today…pondering the myriad of thoughts running through my mind (one of which will be another “lightbulb moment” soon)…I picked up my water bottle to take a drink. The words “I Believe” popped into my head. My eyes fell on my silver ring that I wear to remind me of His everlasting love for me.
I Believe. I believe His words.
I believe with all my heart, mind and soul. I want to believe with my body as well. I want to start practicing this day…THIS day…to put one foot in front of the other in obedience. I want to believe not only with my thoughts and heart…I want to believe with my actions.
This will be a fierce battle. This is an area of my life that has been fought over…and over…and over…and over…
This is a heart issue…and God is not giving up…so it must be important.
Writing this…putting the words to print…sharing them with others…this frightens me to my very core. Tears fall freely as I type. I am ashamed of my disobedience. I am ashamed of my failure. I know having accountability will be difficult…especially with my natural tendency to rebel. This is not an easy path ahead…but I must keep reminding myself that the reward is worth the sacrifice.