I walked through most of this day in a zombie-like state, feeling so detached from the world around me and so very numb inside. The inner struggle I experienced was so intense....so dark...that even my usual "soother" could not break through. As I drove through the countryside, hearing some of my favorite music, it was as if my lips were super glued together. I could not break free of my chains even slightly enough to sing.
I felt abandoned. I felt alone. I felt so lost and like all hope was gone. The darkness of depression hovered over and around me like a storm cloud, ever threatening and ominous...just waiting to completely cover me up with sadness. I felt so drained...so empty...so beyond help. I felt I was in a deep dark pit and no one had arms long enough...not even my Jesus (it seemed) could save me now...I was beyond hope. My steps were labored, feeling like my shoes were made of cement blocks. I wanted to just stop and allow the sadness to wash over me, cover me so no one could see me and I could just rest. But hope was not vanquished. It still lingered, low and steady, like a burning ember just waiting for enough oxygen to spark it into a flame again. Somehow, and I cannot explain how, that oxygen did come...and hope has been renewed. And, of course, I pictured in my mind a scene from one of my favorite movies. The hero had fallen when his addiction blinded his eyes & hardened his heart until his good sense was no longer in control. However, he had a faithful friend whose love would never allow him to be completely lost. Even when all hope seems to be gone, he holds on to his slippery grip and shouts,
"Take my hand! Don't you let go!! Don’t let go. REACH!"
Frodo is rescued when he recognizes his dear friend, Sam, and his good sense and will to live returns enough to help in the rescue from certain death.
I had fallen into this pit because I gave myself over to the all too familiar addiction again. I was falling, and falling fast, surrounded by dangerous lies swirling, entwining my heart like a fast growing vine. I felt I was in Frodo's predicament when his addiction to the ring nearly killed him.
Then I hear the familiar voice calling out to me. I see the arm reaching toward me in the darkness and I reach up and take hold. I am rescued once more. My hope is rekindled. I WILL win this battle! I will not give up until victory is attained. I know my Rescuer will never let me go.
O Lord, thank you so much for once again saving me from all that threatens to weigh me down and pull me further away from you. Help me to cling to Your side. I have failed miserably and feel so useless to You. But Your words are saying something different. You encourage me to hold tight to what I know is Truth. You see a different me. You see the me You created me to be.
I need Your strength to hold me steady on the path You have set before me. I know You will walk with me, I am never truly alone. Please help me always to see Your truth so that I can combat the lies that seek to destroy my heart. I know when I am not strong enough to continue, it is You who will carry me until I am again able to walk this walk.
Oh Father thank you! I can't believe You haven't given up on me and I am forever grateful for Your grace...
Your endless and matchless GRACE.