I am valuable
originally written 19 Feb 2003
added to first website 24 Feb 03
I was thinking of one topic that God has placed on my heart recently to write about and then that spurred me into a whole other direction that I didn't even see coming.  I am feeling vulnerable and weepy at the moment.  Sometimes, when these urges to write become so personal, it's almost like a battle going on inside me.  "How much can I really share with others?  What is God teaching me now?  How do I put these thoughts and feelings into words?  Am I losing my mind?"  All these questions tumble through my brain.  
     Sometimes I feel like God is giving me things to not only teach me but also to share with others who are also struggling.  Then I immediately think, "Who do you think you are?  A prophet?  Why would God speak to you?"  I don't feel like I am a prophet or anything of that sort.  I do, however, believe that God does speak through other people even today.  When we yield our lives to Him, we become His "mouthpiece" when we hear Him and share what we have learned.  Instead of making me feel prideful, I feel so utterly humbled by it.  Who am I that our Creator should use me?  It absolutely breaks me inside because I know who I am.  I know my ugly thoughts.  I know "where I come from" and all the things I have done wrong.  My poor self esteem battles against what God is trying to tell me.  God loves me.  I know what I am not, for sure.  He is trying to teach me who I am.  I am valuable.  He created me for a purpose.  A man died a horrible death to save my life.  How can I belittle that sacrifice?  If God thought I was worth dying for, then I must be worth more than I have been taught to believe.  No, I don't have a lot of money or fancy houses.  Nor am I famous or beautiful as the world views beauty.  But God thought I was worth the life of His only Son.  God created me and He thinks I am beautiful.
     I really struggle with compliments that people make about me or to me.  They are nice to hear, yes, but I never know how to reply because I cannot see what they see.  I am only now beginning to grasp the concept that I have beauty inside me.  I cannot explain just how hard that is for me to deal with.  The father figure in my life certainly never taught that.  I can remember a time when some of his words to me were so devastating.  Those words have come back to haunt me all of my life.  Even now I struggle with them.
     I am valuable.  But not because of anything I have done.  It's because of Who God is and how much He has done to mold me and shape me into who I am.  I may not be all that God wanted for me to be, yet, but He is not finished.  He has started something and He is faithful and will complete His work.  I no longer feel much anger toward my Dad.  The feeling is more of pity because he is paying a hefty price for his sins.  Until he allows God to change his heart, my Dad's life will be incredibly sad.
     God is already working what I consider miracles in my heart since yielding to His lead.  He is the perfect Father.  He is what we never had.  He knows our hearts, we cannot hide from Him.  He created us and he wants to heal us of the wounds that others have inflicted upon us.  He is also a "perfect gentleman" and will not force Himself on us.  We must choose to yield to Him, then He will do wonders in us and through us.
Who else can fix us so completely, so perfectly, other than the One who created us in the first place?  In Him is true and everlasting healing.  Every other thing or person that we seek help through will eventually fail us.  Our trust must be in the only Perfect One there is, otherwise, our healing will not be permanent.

On the path to lasting health,
Shirley

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photograph by: Shirley/England/Jun 2005
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