I find myself lying here gutted, filleted and ready for the grill.
How did I get here? I’ve been here before…and it was neither pretty nor pleasant.
I cry out to the Lord to save me from my anguish…to show me where I went wrong…to heal this brokenness that threatens to overwhelm me, dragging me down ever deeper into this dark, dark pit of despair. I cannot reach the top alone…my arms are not long enough.
When I had to let go of my first real best friend…due to a cross-country move…my heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt I could not breathe because the pain was too intense. But breathe I continued to do. : )
There was another presence in my life…someone waiting on the sidelines…waiting for me to notice Him. My undeniable, honest-to-goodness, never-fail Best Friend was there. He saw every tear, heard every cry, and He answered me. He picked up those pieces of my heart and in the ways that only He can, He put me back together again. : )
We spent a lot of time together, He & I. We were inseparable in those days…and life was oh-so-good. I was missing a lot in my life that the world would deem important…but I didn’t notice. I had my Best Friend with me and that was all that mattered. My spirit sang like never before…like a prisoner set free from a dark prison…full of joy and wonder and awe at the amazing beauty that can be found all around us when we have the eyes to see it.
But then, a gradual shift happened. I met a new person in my life who became more important to me than my True Best Friend. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I began to take those “Best Friend” shoes and I gave them to another.
Life was grand…almost fairy-tale like. But as is usually the case when someone else is wearing shoes that don’t fit them, that person tripped and stumbled. The shoes eventually wound up stomping on my heart, creating a grief in me that was unfathomable. Still…the One who those shoes fit…He stood there barefooted along the sidelines, waiting for me to bring back those shoes.
What did I do?
Nothing.
Not until one day I met another person who made me feel so happy…so free…so loved. Even though she knew my darkest secrets, she loved me anyway. That, to me, was amazing…for I did not love myself…so anyone else who could…well, they were AWESOME!
And life was good.
Over the years, life went on…I met other people along the way…others who were/still are dear to me. And they always shall be…but I only had one pair of “Best Friend” shoes to give. Does that mean I did not love those in my life who didn’t wear those shoes? No. I loved them…and still love them…dearly. But the deep things…the tender areas of my heart…the deepest darkest secrets…those could only be shared with someone I felt absolutely safe with. That person had to be my “best friend.” Oh she wasn’t truly perfect…there were times when she let me down…but those minor infractions didn’t matter…she was my “best friend.”
But time got away from us…and, as was the case with my first “real best friend,”circumstances beyond our control put miles between us, causing a physical separation. Oh we strove hard to maintain the closeness we once had, in spite of the miles, but that is an impossibility in reality. I love Truth…always have…but I fought hard against the truth of this situation. I didn’t want to face the fact that she had moved on with her life…without me.
“But Lord…she’s still wearing my ‘Best Friend’ shoes!” I cried out, my heart once again broken into tiny pieces.
“Whose shoes are they?” He calmly and lovingly asked.
I stammered, “Well, um, they’re my shoes…I gave them to her.”
“Those are not your shoes…they are mine. And if you look closely, they do not fit her feet.”
As I pondered His words…I notice that here He was, barefooted, walking alongside me, picking up the pieces of my broken heart as we walk and talk…slowly putting them back together…watching me with loving eyes…eyes full of forgiveness and understanding. I am hit between the eyes with a realization like a lightning bolt splitting the dark sky of night.
These are the eyes of Everlasting Love. These are the eyes of Truth and Understanding. These are the eyes of Forgiveness. These are the eyes of Healing.
These are the eyes of my Best Friend...
...and He wants to wear His shoes. : )
